私じゃない / Not Myself

Title: 私じゃない
(watashi janai)
Not Myself

Circle: 幽閉サテライト
Album: 魂の語りに導かれて
Vocal: senya
Lyrics: かませ虎
Arrangement: でいたらぼっち
Released: Comiket 88

Original:
東方萃夢想 ~ Immaterial and Missing Power
御伽の国の鬼が島 ~ Missing Power (Onigashima in the Fairyland)

Requested by Lucy, enjoy! (Starting tomorrow I’ll be travelling for two weeks, so there’s going to be some inactivity. またね!)


苦しみをすべて解析すれば痛みは
自然と引くだろうとか楽観的に
時間の解決に任せようとしたが
「許そう」という意識に勝る感情は
「許さない」ではなく「許せない」に傾き
相当な長期戦になるだろうと知り
過去の当たり前が羨ましい日々が続くが
元に戻れるだろうか?なんて
悲観的に 諦めつつ
それでも明日は来る

kurushimi wo subete kaisekisureba itami wa
shizen to hiku darou toka rakkanteki ni
jikan no kaiketsu ni makaseyou toshita ga
‘yurusou’ to iu ishiki ni masaru kanjou wa
‘yurusanai’ dewanaku ‘yurusenai’ ni katamuki
soutou na choukisen ni naru darou to shiri
kako no atarimae ga urayamashii hibi ga tsudzuku ga
moto ni modoreru darou ka? nante
hikanteki ni akirametsutsu
soredemo asu wa kuru

When you analyse all your suffering, pain
Is drawn in naturally, and optimistically
Though I tried to just leave it up to time
A feeling surpassing the willingness to forgive
Isn’t unwillingness to forgive, rather the inability to
Knowing it’s become just like a prolonged fight
Though I keep envying what I took for granted in the past
I wonder if things can’t return to how they were before
Despite giving up pessimistically
Tomorrow will still come

期待した分だけ
裏切りは威力があって
抑えきれない悲しみが
猛威を振るうから
無駄になった時間すべて
返してよと思う
そんな被害者に酔ってる
私は私じゃない

kitaishita bun dake
uragiri wa iryoku ga atte
osaekirenai kanashimi ga
moui wo furuu kara
muda ni natte jikan subete
kaeshite yo to omou
sonna higaisha ni yotteru
watashi wa watashi janai

Only what was expected
Betrayal holds power
Uncontrollable sadness
Wields violence, after all
Thinking of getting back
All the time that went to waste
So drunk on the victim’s role
I’m not myself

苦しみをすべて話せばいずれ痛みは
自然と引くだろうとか過去に習って
打ち明けてみたがそう、自分にも落ち度は
山のようにあることに気付いたわけです
痛みが自分を正当化しているんだと
気付けど悔しさは収まらないわけで
負のループに巻き込まれてるわけです
そんな自分誰も得をしないのにさ
知られたくて 嘆きたくて
形にしたくない

kurushimi wo subete hanaseba izure itami wa
shizen to hiku darou toka kako ni naratte
uchiakete mita ga sou, jibun ni mo ochido wa
yama no you ni aru koto ni kidzuita wake desu
itami ga jibun wo seitou kashite iru nda to
kidzukedo kuyashisa wa osamaranai wake de
fu no ruupu ni makikomareteru wake desu
sonna jibun dare mo toku wo shinai noni sa
shiraretakute nagekitakute
katachi ni shitakunai

When you put your suffering into words, eventually
Pain is drawn in naturally, having learnt from the past
To be honest, indeed, I made my own faults too
There are a lot of things that made me realise
I used my pain to justify myself, and
Though I know, my frustrations won’t lessen
Causing me to get dragged into a loop of negativity
No one gains anything if I act like this, yet
Wanting to get it out, wanting to lament
I don’t want to take on such a form

期待した分だけ
裏切りは威力があって
抑えきれない悲しみが
猛威を振るうから
無駄になった時間すべて
返してよと思う
そんな被害者に酔ってる
私は私じゃない

kitaishita bun dake
uragiri wa iryoku ga atte
osaekirenai kanashimi ga
moui wo furuu kara
muda ni natte jikan subete
kaeshite yo to omou
sonna higaisha ni yotteru
watashi wa watashi janai

Only what was expected
Betrayal holds power
Uncontrollable sadness
Wields violence, after all
Thinking of getting back
All the time that went to waste
So drunk on the victim’s role
I’m not myself

知らず知らず 壊れていた
私らしさ 今どこへ?

shirazu shirazu kowareteita
watashirashisa ima doko e?

Before I even knew it, it was broken
Where is my sense of self, now?

指の隙間 するりとまた
床に落ちる音が

yubi no sukima sururito mata
yuka ni ochiru oto ga

Slipping through my fingers, again
The sounds fall to the floor

期待した分だけ
裏切りは威力があって
抑えきれない悲しみは
暴力的だから
無駄になった愛をすべて
どうしようと嘆く
そんな被害者に酔ってる
私は私じゃない

kitaishita bun dake
uragira wa iryoku ga atte
osaekirenai kanashimi wa
bouryokuteki dakara
muda ni natta ai wo subete
doushiyou to nageku
sonna higasha ni yotteru
watashi wa watashi janai

Only what was expected
Betrayal holds power
Uncontrollable sadness
Is violent, after all
Lamenting what to do
With all this useless love
So drunk on the victim’s role
I’m not myself


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About Fuyuko

まだまだです
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